Little 18 year old me could not wait to start university. It was an opportunity for me to completely reinvent myself, make some changes and be that person I always wanted to be. I was going to be a socialite, make a lot of friends, finally get a boyfriend and be noticed. 5 years of finals and assessments and all the added stress anxiety and that’s what I thought I was going to get.
Unfortunately things didn’t exactly turn out how I wanted it to. Getting a wild haircut (hello shaved head and bleach blonde) and trying to be cool didn’t give me anything that I wanted. I always (and still do) fall into my own habits and insecurities. University turned out to be quite a lonely experience, especially in the first few years and perhaps because everyone around knew I was trying too hard.
I made all the wrong choices in dating and wound up with people that just didn’t care. My one good quality – which turns out to be my downfall, is caring too much. I ended up with people that were all too happy to keep me hidden away, but more than welcome for me to have them as the centre of my world because it suited them. I was desperate enough for company that I let it happen.
With going to uni also came the subtle expectations to do well and the extra pressure, not verbalised but always there from family to make them proud. I went from being towards the top of the class in high school to just scraping averages at uni. It was earth shattering to realise that the one thing I based my worth on, my intelligence, wasn’t actually that great or that high. I’m still dealing with the fact that I’m just not as smart as I thought I was, and that PhD I though I was going to get in high school wasn’t going to happen.
After five years and now that I am in my last semester I’ve realised I didn’t blossom in high school and I most certainly didn’t blossom in uni, but maybe after I’ll fall into myself. Things are already looking up. I got myself a boyfriend, not from uni but because of who I am, a full time internship, not based on just my smarts but other skills and maybe just maybe I’m cool enough in my own right.