The last 3 months have been a downward spiral of anxiety, depression and just downright gloominess. The last two weeks I plummeted to rock bottom, and I thought I had hit rock bottom when I was teenager. I was so very wrong.
Not a lot of people know the signs when I start to unravel. I learnt really quickly how to hide when I was loosing control and not bother anyone. It usually will present in anger and indifference, especially when I’m at home, but work and friends don’t see that side, or at least it’s not commented on.
I’m trying to learn when the early signs start. Trying to learn my head better. It usually starts small, I lose interest in the things I love, like makeup and simple things like reading a book. My self care routine goes straight out the window. I am someone who religiously moisturises and exfoliated, I do hair and face masks regularly and I generally just take of myself that way. The anger bubbles and consumes me and then it’s heaving sobs late at night as the darkness and loneliness takes over.
When I was teenager, I thought things would get better in my twenties, so I stopped taking care of myself mentally. As a teenager it seemed like it was easier to get help, there was school, helplines and free services you easily had access too. I feel ashamed now that I didn’t keep up with any of this by the time I started uni.
Getting back on track is a long and arduous task. Building the trust with those closest around me is the hardest thing. It’s one thing to constantly tell people you’re fine, it another to open up and finally say you’re having anxiety attacks on the regular and struggling with day-to-day life. It’s a journey of two steps forwards, four steps back until things reach equilibrium again.
If you or anyone else needs help, here are some people that can help: